One of my biggest heartbreak is seeing the way women are settling for MUCH less than they deserve in relationships. Needless to say, we are humans, we have all made mistakes and every single person has or will be in a situation in life where they have settled in someway or another. Could be with a friend or partner who is controlling/ unfaithful and has infidelity issues/lazy and unambitious/self-centered and selfish or someone emotionally abusive. We will come across people like that in life and we ourselves may carry such traits, c’est la vie. BUT our mindset has changed sooooo much over the years and I’m about to get into it in this post! But before I do I believe its imperative I issue a disclaimer. The content of this post is not to pass any judgement whatsoever but simply to encourage my fellow ladies to desire the best of the best and not to settle in an unhappy situation. While I understand and respect that not everyone will agree, this is purely my opinion and I hope it can help someone out there today.
The new mindset
In the shortest and most concise way possible: “All men are the same and we should just accept what we have because we are not ever going to find any different”. So whether he’s controlling- “accept it because at least he is not physically abusive”. If he is cheating- “all men cheat, accept it as long as he doesn’t do it in your face, as long as you don’t find out”. If he’s selfish and self-centered- “accept it at least he is not cheating”. What is ironic is that people often close this mindset statement by stating they are ‘a realist‘. Ladies, ladies, ladies..that is not a real life. It is purely foolery.
Do statistics determine the way you live your life?
As a scientist, I believe evidence-based theories are important in any argument. So with that being said, I understand why people look at statistics (which by the way are not even statistically significant). There are so many factors to consider when looking at these statistical figures, people in happy faithful relationships are less likely to feel the need to come forward and add themselves to the statistics. Personally, I don’t believe in the statistics because I have not seen enough evidence or the method these studies were conducted with. But I won’t deny the fact it there is increasing stories of females experiencing infidelity or emotional abuse in a relationship. I have however realised that different types of circle of people show different
I am not a believer of living your life based on statistics or even based on the experiences of others! It is important to learn from your mistakes, and sometimes you can learn from the mistakes of others too, but there is a difference between learning, and living off someone else’s experience. For example, some of us come from single parent households and while we learn a lot from our parent, some of us still do imagine having our own complete family and we do not imagine raising our children alone, but we learn and understand that it is possible to do so. Learning in this case would be trying to ensure that you are financially stable and living someone else’s experience would be unwillingness to mortgage a house in partnership with your partner simply because you’re used to seeing your parent do it alone. I must admit, I have subconsciously worked towards being in a position to afford a mortgage alone. But speaking to one of my sissy Jojo let me realise this mindset and I have been working on adapting it ever since! (Blog post on being raised in a single parent household to come). It is all easier said than done, sometimes we do this subconsciously but its important to take note and work towards changing the mindset.
Some people are missing out on life because they are living off stats and other peoples experience. Some don’t want to get married because 98/100 marriages around them have failed. Why are you cheating yourself? You will never know if you are part of that 2% that would have a successful marriage. If it is what you want then give yourself the chance. If it doesn’t work then at least you know you tried and you won’t be laying on your death bed wondering what life would have been like if you just did everything you wanted to! If anything you should learn from unsuccessful marriages but don’t live it. And if it does so happen to be the case, these stats should show you that people do still survive after it. It won’t kill ya!
Some things are Black and White
Life is not an easy ride, but in MOST things it is pretty simple, its us as human beings that complicate it. Black is black and white is white. If someone shows you who they are- BELIEVE them! We often do it to ourselves, and in the end wallow in self-pity, pain and regret.
Stop fooling yourself thinking your fooling others with the “happy” front and call yourself a REALIST. And this is where my real heartbreak comes in, a lot of women are now “ok” to stay in such situations and have just accepted that they are not worth a faithful man. Why? Why are you willing to live the rest of your life unhappy for someone else? Where we have gone wrong is the mentality that it is by force to be in a relationship to be happy. While some have the desire to be in a relationship/marriage, have children etc, and by the grace of God we will in successful happy marriages. I would rather live a happy healthy life. Such situations are toxic to children,
You will continue to get less, if that’s what you accept as the infamous quote suggests: “What you allow is what will continue”. How can someone learn from their mistakes if every time they make it there are no real consequences. If every time he emotionally abuses you or cheats you run back after a few rounds of apologies and persistence. I understand that people do change, people do make mistakes and learn from them. I am not referring to these people when I say this. But even to those people, you do not need to hang around while a person is working on learning from their mistakes, developing and improving themselves, you do not need to stay there unhappy and waiting for them to do so. When you should be working on re-building yourself, reinstating your value and also self-improvement is a life-long procedure (we often want we are not in a position to over, again another blog post of its own). More often than not, when a person does go away and improve themselves, they wouldn’t want to settle for a broken, insecure person who doesn’t know their self-worth, how many times have we heard that story? Women want strong men, who respects themselves and know their worth and value, who aren’t insecure but are confident, men who wouldn’t settle for them to behave anyhow, and guess what!…Men want the same too in a woman. Are you able to offer what you are demanding?
Ride or Die
Relationships are not easy and like everything in life there are hardships we often have to go through, some are inevitable. I do not believe in throwing in the towel, I believe any good thing takes hard work, endurance and persistence. At the end of the day, nobody is perfect so even in relationships we will be undergoing personal developments. You or your partner may be working on certain traits, things like a person being selfish, that can be worked on. I am not in anyway supporting the argument that people should leave their relationships at any chance and every hiccup lol, because I personally wouldn’t. Just saying as an unmarried person know your worth and do not settle for less. Note: Marriage is a whole different ball game.
Wake up and as my sissy Adz (Adz Blog) would say… “deep the situation!“
Women, women, WOMEN! Where art thou?! Time to wake up and stop settling in relationships that BREAK you down. If you are settling, maybe you’ve let past situations overcrowd your desires, chances are you haven’t healed properly, get to know yourself, build yourself and understand your value: PRICELESS! I will be the first to put my hand up to say I have once settled in life. As a believer, I have once placed a limit on a limitless God! Over the years, with growth I have really learnt a lot about values in life. I have learnt about not settling in anyway whatsoever! Whether in a career, business, friendship or relationship, I will always aim high and you should too! I believe with God, you can have a healthy, successful, faithful marriage. It is possible, with God ALL things are possible! These days admitting you believe this has people looking at you like you’ve lost your mind and you’re living a fairy-tale. Well, if you haven’t heard it before, you’ve heard it here! I believe you can get everything you want in a man and more! I also believe you can live a happy single life and you can live a happy life in a relationship/marriage!
Whatever you decide, please do strive to live a truly happy life so when that time comes, you know you attempted to live the very best life you could live.